I shared an article earlier this month a story about my son Camp, who is on the autism spectrum. I’ve also been sharing more about him on my Instagram, and y’all have been SO kind and sweet in your responses. It has really opened the door for me to have some very intentional 1:1 conversations with other moms who have similar stories to ours. I have even had a longtime friend say that she didn’t even know that Camp was autistic! I believe that the Lord has brought me to a place of safety where I am finally ready to share more openly about our story, hoping that it will benefit and encourage other families to know they aren’t alone.
Today I want to share more about what it’s like being the mom of a child who’s autistic. Let’s go!
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about my current season of being a mama to my pre-teen son on the spectrum. Maybe the reason I want to write about it now, after almost a decade, is not about my own feelings but the perceptions and emotions of others.
Recently, in the kitchen, while I was heating up lunch, my 12-year-old son Camp said, “Mom, I think I have autism. And with that comes devastating consequences.” It was out of the blue and honestly caught me off guard. I’m not sure if he is just coming to terms more with this PART of him (It’s not the whole of him or his identity!), or if he’s just getting more curious about it. But as always, I try to be open and up for any conversation my kids want to have. I want to lean in when they lean in and not push too hard when they move on.
So that moment over his cereal, my sweet potatoes I was prepping came and went.
Then, a few days later, when we were driving home from a “field trip” 100 miles away to my hometown, he brought it up again. I’m not totally sure where these conversations are headed when he does bring it up, but he said, “Mom, I have autism, and I like that about myself. It makes me special and unique.” I immediately agreed with him! I told him that autism isn’t WHO he is, but it’s a part of him, and it’s to be celebrated; it’s a superpower. Then we talked about who he is and what he likes about himself: his curiosity, creativity, humor, and uniqueness.
It really was such a beautiful moment and one that we have had multiple times since that first “ah ha” for him.
What I want any other human to know about being an autism mama is this: there is so much misconception about autism, and there are so many things an autism parent deals with daily that no one will ever know the depths of (even those closest to them). The mental load to anticipate needs and to be ready to pivot is always front of mind.
Grief also comes in waves of life not looking like you imagined it would look. There has been a huge element of “radical acceptance” that we have experienced lately, but it has taken a lot of years to get to this point. There is also so much joy and so much growth! Being Camp’s mom has grown me in ways that absolutely nothing else has. It has driven me to my knees, forced me to slow down, and accept that the struggles are oftentimes the things that shape who we are becoming.
Through all the struggles, we don’t sit in a place of despair. We have dreams for Camp like we have dreams for our other children! We believe he can do anything he wants “when he grows up” and often talk about who he will become and what he will create in this world.
Autism has put limitations on our family that we wouldn’t have otherwise, and I’m starting to see glimmers of the beauty of that (instead of all the things we miss out on). We learn all sorts of new things from Camp all the time, and we wouldn’t trade that for anything. Our home has become his sanctuary, his safe place! After years of praying that I would be a “haven maker” in our home, I see it most clearly through the eyes of my son, who adores to be there.
There’s so much more I want you to know about what it’s like for autism mamas around the globe, but I’ll end with this. Autism isn’t Camp’s identity, and it isn’t mine either. It’s a part of him, and because of that, it is a part of our family’s story.
I look forward to many decades of growing and learning together and letting this part of our story impact others, the Kingdom of God, and our very own family. Thanks for reading (or listening!)
Keep fighting the good fight,
Wyne
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